We’re Exclusive But He Still Has Tinder

Valentines Day this year was probably the most different out of the past 19. The difference was that I actually had a guy to worry about. A guy I am– was exclusive with. I mention the past tense because I currently do not know where we stand. We’re still working it out.

A little bit of background info on this guy. We’ll call him Andrew. I met him off Tinder. Our first date was at Starbucks. He was not what I expected. Wasn’t really my type, but when he smiled, he was cute. Andrew was the first guy I’ve talked to everyday over text for more than a week. I thought he was boyfriend material; however, I knew we weren’t going to be anything but a “something” because he’s going to be deployed in a couple months. To be honest, I was willing to be that military girlfriend who waits for their boyfriend to come home. But I always doubted myself at the same time. Could I really wait 8 months? I should probably clarify that I started thinking about this like the first month we started “dating” each other. Yes, I was getting ahead of myself. I’ve never had a boyfriend before so I wasn’t really sure how this whole dating thing worked no matter how many times I asked google for advice. So I turn to my friends, they advised that I ask him where I stand with him. So I did, and it turned into the “exclusive” talk. We then both agreed we wanted to be exclusive with each other. THE END–

–NOT. Being exclusive does not necessarily mean bf/gf in this generation of dating. However, I did specifically ask him what exclusive meant. He told me “not seeing anyone else”. Sounds fair. Fast forward to now. I’ve been telling one of my good friend how I’ve been feeling really confused with my relationship with Andrew. So, when one of her friend was in town, she wanted to help me confirm my relationship by asking her visiting friend to find Andrew on Tinder– cause he still had it, even though we were “exclusive”– and see if he will start talking to her. Girls are the best detectives when it comes to men, okay. So, they easily found him. Low and behold, they matched. Here’s the first flag, they matched even though this visiting friend was just in town for a few hours…which meant, Andrew was still fcking active on Tinder. So active that when the visiting friend messaged him hey, Andrew replied within a minute. He flirted with her calling her beautiful and such and etcetera. The visiting friend tried to low-key ask him if he was seeing anyone at the moment (a.k.a. me), this is what he said:screen-shot-2017-02-18-at-2-22-32-pm

Yes, I cringe at his grammar mistake (past English Major here), but that’s another story. “Haven’t found anything exclusive yet”. Okay, there bud. Although, I’m surprised he did mention he had a “friend” which I conclude as me because I do travel a lot, and we have dinner often. But who knows, maybe he’s seeing someone else. I WOULDN’T KNOW. The visiting friend prodded him further:

Screen Shot 2017-02-18 at 2.23.25 PM.png

“I have, although situation dictated differently”? WTF. Speak english PLS. My friend and I were confused AF about what he was trying to say.  From my interpretation, he meant that he wanted to be exclusive, but maybe because of his situation he can’t? But that’s still stupid because if he was talking about me, from what we agreed on, we were exclusive. He just did not want to admit it because he wants to be available. And the final blow, “you got snapchat?”. That just confirmed how much of a fuck boy he is. I might be blowing the situation out of proportion, but if he really wanted to keep talking to girls, he shouldn’t have agreed to be exclusive. That’s what really pissed me off. I took that status more seriously, and put in more effort when he didn’t treat our relationship any differently when we first met.

To those who are in a similar situation, the advice I’m going to follow myself is to talk it out. I’m not going to confront him about why he still has Tinder, but I will ask him about what our relationship means to him because obviously, we’re not exclusive in his eyes. So good luck to all of us playing this dating game. Hope we all win in the end.

 

What the Fuck Does EXCLUSIVE Mean?

In this day and age, dating has become more confusing than ever. Nothing is straightforward anymore. Everyone is playing cat and mouse, push and pull, and etcetera. But the most elusive term I find in this generation of dating is the status of being “exclusive“.

Urban Dictionary defines exclusive as “The state of being in a relationship with someone where you are officially boyfriend and girlfriend, and there is no-one else involved. Usually attained after going on a couple of good dates with someone“. According to the site, this is the top definition of exclusive; however, just scroll down a smidge and you will find a second definition: “The state of being with one person, and only one person, without labeling yourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend“. So, even after consulting with the dictionary for millennials, I was more confused than ever. The two definitions are similar in that the relationship is between two people and no one else, but the other without an official title. So basically, the second definition of  exclusive is being boyfriend/girlfriend just without the commitment that comes with that title. I CALL BULLSHIT. It is a frustrating term to define because it makes relationships so much more ambiguous than they should be. Take my friend’s story for an example. She was seeing this guy for a couple months, and one day, the guy tried to get into her pants, but before anything happened, she told him she wasn’t going to have sex with him unless he was her boyfriend. So, later on, the guy asked her to be exclusive. Being new to the dating world, she immediately thought that term meant they were bf/gf, and so, they had sex. However, skip a month later, the guy texts her:

screen-shot-2017-02-06-at-11-45-43-am

My friend was pissed. She thought that she made it clear that he can’t have sex with her unless he was her boyfriend, but apparently, they weren’t on the same page. Anyways, long story short, he did ask her to be her girlfriend eventually, and they are still together. Morale of this story? The definition of exclusive depends on the person. I especially find that more guys tend to define exclusivity as a relationship with all the benefits of a bf/gf relationship just without the official title. Maybe because they are afraid to commit? *cough* fuckboys *cough*

A personal example, I am dating a guy who I am exclusive with. Why I’m writing this blog post? Specifically because I have this dilemma of not know what my relationship with him actually is. When we agreed to be exclusive, I actually did ask him what exclusive means, and he told me “not seeing anybody else”. OKAY. Great definition. So precise, I don’t even need to google it…FUCK THAT. Right after I got home, I googled and read a handful of articles debating the status of “exclusive”. Similar to Urban Dictionary, many of these articles debated exclusive as being official bf/gf and exclusive as a status that doesn’t have such titles. So how will I ever come into conclusion to where I stand with this guy I’m dating? Well, I’m planning to just be straight up ask my guy if we are boyfriend/girlfriend, and not over text, but in person. I think that’s when I will truly get a satisfying confirmation.

To those who are in a similar confused state as I am, I advice to do the same because trying to figure it out on my own left me more confused, and it actually led me to doubt the guy I’m seeing. So, I hope, to all the confused souls out there, that we can overcome this ambiguous term of “exclusivity” and have solid relationships. Good lucks!